The Authority on Motherhood

I went spastic earlier. I was having a conversation with CH. She tells me about how her mom (now 42) keeps her 10 year old brother at home (and out of school) to wait on her hand and foot. I can’t really understand how one would keep your offspring out of school when you have the luxuries of sending them to school free of charge.
I think I almost burst into tears at the thought of that. I’m West Indian. I’m not sure how the educational system is structured in modern day Jamaica, but I do know that My Mom had to work her ass off to keep her 4 kids in school. In Jamaica, we pay school tuition at any age. Be it, kindergarten, Junior High or High School, there is a cost associated with obtaining an education. There are no such things as free text books and to add to the pot we all wore uniforms which of course have to be bought each year. It was tough for my mom – a single mother - to keep food on the table and pay tuition for 4 kids to go to school. And here it is, we live in a country where education is not only mandatory but also free and you have these DEAD beat women keeping their kids out of school to either: serve their every whim or to babysit siblings. Honestly where’s the justice in that?
Where the FUCK IS THE JUSTICE IN THAT?
How DO YOU LAY DOWN? SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND POP 10 KIDS OUT
THEN ASK YOUR OLDEST CHILD TO RAISE THEM WHILE YOU LAY UP ON YOUR ASS DOING NOTHING BUT CREATING THIS PERPETUAL REVOLVING DOOR FOR STRANGE MEN TO WALK IN, FUCK YOU AND LEAVE. You’re like a fucking DRIVE THRU WINDOW at McDonalds, easy and fucking convenient. At 42 you would think you’d get a grip.
Oh but let me calm down because at the end of the day you are someone’s mother. If only I could look at you as such. No you’re not her Mother. SHE’S YOUR MOTHER.

Prologue

It was one of those dreary days.  Not real wintry, just the kind of day that was best spent indoors sipping coffee or a latte.   But not for me.  I had to go against the grain. I was at Barnes and Nobles moaning and groaning on the phone.  Recalling how much I missed Borders Books.  Terique was quite accommodating.  He let me ramble on about how unsatisfied I was with having to shop at B&N when Borders --the love of my life-- had passed away (went out of business).  So  here I was perusing the aisles, looking for books in Fantasy fiction and Fiction; indecisive  about what I wanted to read.   After 4 hours of picking up book after book and putting them back down after seeing the price tag, I finally left with a bargain book and what turned out to be a book I'd already read.  To top it off, the rain was coming down in droves now.  beating against my windshield and the sides of poor little Christine with an unrelenting passion.   Still, it wasn’t so bad.  It was still one of those childhood rainy days where the rain came down so hard  you could see the fog building around the tires of the cars on the Highway.  So I went to TwoBoots nostalgic for some chicken gumbo.   Sat in the car and ate/drank that gumbo like it was my last meal.   There’s something terribly comforting about hot gumbo on a cold rainy day,  It seems to lift the spirits.  Now Here I am contemplating my next move. trying to determine how best to complete this uneventful day.  It’s always been my belief that ones days should be productive and despite the fact I spent 4 hours roaming the aisles of Barnes and Nobles it still feels like a productive day.  Maybe because of the conversational content.   I’ve never talked for hours on end about my varying tastes in literature with anyone.  Well anyone of color.   Terrible as it may seem, I always believed that Black Folks did not like reading.  Yes I realize I’m the odd man out but then again, that’s the story of my life isn’t it?   I should be outside someone's liquor store somewhere, that’s what I really should be doing.   But in true Meshia fashion, I had to be different.  I had to think geek.   So now really my contemplation focuses on which book to read next:

Hey blogspot I've actually made use of my domain hosting account and
migrated to wordpress.org. if you're still interested in anything I
have to say: you can catch me at www.meshia.net.

Sifting through the Wreckage

I found survivors. CH and I are back on speaking terms. We agreed to be friends. I spent perhaps the last 1 or 2 weeks ignoring her phone calls, instant messages and text. I think I really needed that time to clear my mind. Yesterday I sent her a text. Small talk ensues then she tells me she really needs to talk. So I called her. I talked more than she did as usual. I’m not sure why I’d expected anything to change. But she talks about how I shut her out and blah blah blah. I go on to remind her of my attempts to open up to her and tell her exactly what was going on in my head. Oh did I tell you, she asked to really talk to me like 3 weeks back and then interrupts the conversation to ask some bird to dance. She got off the phone with me to dance. Granted she was at a party and that wasn’t the most opportune time to have the “Big” talk but she wanted it that way. That was the first time I divulged exactly how I was feeling. The second time around I send her a 4 page letter via text and she replies “IDK 4RL”. I just plain gave up after that and didn’t speak to her for 1-2 weeks.

And for 2 weeks she’s been calling the house phone, the cell phone, stalking me online and sending me text messages.

So on lets say umm Saturday I finally text her which brings us to our present situation. She starts talking about how she was so open on me. How she opened up her heart to me even though she was scared and how I just disappointed her. I asked her if that was the case then why in the final 2 weeks of our relationSHIT was she being distant. She claims she was too busy. I told her to call me when she wanted to keep it real.

So she sends me a text and she says she closed herself off to me because things were getting a little too intense. She says she was feeling way too strongly about me and just didn’t know how to handle that so she pushed me away. ehh, it’s not quite what I expected but shyt it’s a far cry from ‘IDK 4 REAL’ .

Shyt that’s all I needed her to say. I don’t expect us to have what we had in the beginning. But I at least wanted us to be friends. So I told her that I don’t really know if we’ll be an “us” again but that I do want her back in my life as a friend and ultimately she agreed.

Synopsis:

I’m just not ready to open up and be in a relationship especially one that has all the odds stacked against us.

hetero perspective

I vaguely remember liking dick. It seems like another lifetime 10 light
years away. I can't say that it was ever something that remotely gave
me any pleasure. but it does take me back to the days when I considered
females as an option. what took me so long in moving forward had to do
with my own misgivings about the lesbian population. I used to have the
mindset that if I were to be a "dyke" , I'd have to wear flannel shirts
and a buzzcut which wasn't too appealing. it was more a question of
being gay and retaining ones femininity.

how annoying is it when you're taking a shyt and someone turns out the
lights?

blast from the past

yay!!! so my text messages are back in service. I sent Dee a text
today. She's still a feisty lil midget. I miss working with her. She
was like my lil sister on the Job and she made shyt bearable there. But
shyt things change

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