Sifting through the Wreckage

I found survivors. CH and I are back on speaking terms. We agreed to be friends. I spent perhaps the last 1 or 2 weeks ignoring her phone calls, instant messages and text. I think I really needed that time to clear my mind. Yesterday I sent her a text. Small talk ensues then she tells me she really needs to talk. So I called her. I talked more than she did as usual. I’m not sure why I’d expected anything to change. But she talks about how I shut her out and blah blah blah. I go on to remind her of my attempts to open up to her and tell her exactly what was going on in my head. Oh did I tell you, she asked to really talk to me like 3 weeks back and then interrupts the conversation to ask some bird to dance. She got off the phone with me to dance. Granted she was at a party and that wasn’t the most opportune time to have the “Big” talk but she wanted it that way. That was the first time I divulged exactly how I was feeling. The second time around I send her a 4 page letter via text and she replies “IDK 4RL”. I just plain gave up after that and didn’t speak to her for 1-2 weeks.

And for 2 weeks she’s been calling the house phone, the cell phone, stalking me online and sending me text messages.

So on lets say umm Saturday I finally text her which brings us to our present situation. She starts talking about how she was so open on me. How she opened up her heart to me even though she was scared and how I just disappointed her. I asked her if that was the case then why in the final 2 weeks of our relationSHIT was she being distant. She claims she was too busy. I told her to call me when she wanted to keep it real.

So she sends me a text and she says she closed herself off to me because things were getting a little too intense. She says she was feeling way too strongly about me and just didn’t know how to handle that so she pushed me away. ehh, it’s not quite what I expected but shyt it’s a far cry from ‘IDK 4 REAL’ .

Shyt that’s all I needed her to say. I don’t expect us to have what we had in the beginning. But I at least wanted us to be friends. So I told her that I don’t really know if we’ll be an “us” again but that I do want her back in my life as a friend and ultimately she agreed.

Synopsis:

I’m just not ready to open up and be in a relationship especially one that has all the odds stacked against us.